You Are Not a Victim

You Are Not a Victim

The most important story is the one you tell yourself. A positive story does not ensure a good outcome, but a story that denies you any influence can discourage useful action.

Each of us is the hero of the story we tell ourselves about ourselves. Being at fault when things go wrong doesn’t suit the hero status we ascribe to ourselves. So, when it comes to explaining why things went wrong, we look for someone else to blame.

While pointing fingers when we don’t get the results we want might satisfy us in the moment, it doesn’t give us better judgment, and it doesn’t make us better people. It can be a defensive reaction that keeps us from examining our own choices.

When you constantly blame circumstances, the environment, or other people, you are effectively claiming that you had little ability to affect the outcome. Sometimes circumstances do severely limit our choices. Where we do have influence, repeated choices can become habits that shape later outcomes. When we explain away those unwanted outcomes, we absolve ourselves of any responsibility for producing them.

There’s a word for people who always respond to problems by blaming others or circumstances: victims. Of course, they’re often not actually victims. They just feel like they are, and that feeling gets in the way of good judgment. Chronic victims feel helpless, powerless, and often hopeless. Nothing is ever their fault; it is always someone or something else that got in the way. No one begins life wanting to be a chronic victim, but the slow accumulation of responses that avoid responsibility makes it hard for people to see that’s what they’re becoming. Eventually, it’s just who they are.

The Path to Victimhood

There are points in the process of becoming a chronic victim when people realize they’re lying to themselves. They realize the story they’re telling themselves isn’t quite true. They know they’re responsible. But facing reality and taking responsibility is hard. It’s uncomfortable. It’s so much easier to hide and to blame other people, circumstances, or luck.

The Role of Enablers

Ironically, the people who care the most about chronic victims often unintentionally encourage their blame game. When things don’t go our way, it’s natural to vent to family members or close friends. They’re loving and supportive and have the best intentions for us. They would love to validate our interpretation of the situation, and offer us relief. But when they do that, nothing has changed. Our incorrect view of the world remains intact. They don’t encourage us to re-evaluate our patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting. And if we’re thrust into similar circumstances later on, we’ll likely respond the same way and get the same disappointing results.

On the other hand, have you ever had a friend tell you, “You messed up pretty bad there. How can I help you make this right?” or “Let me tell you the one thing I think is holding you back from getting the results you want?”. If you have a friend like that, call them now and thank them. Their presence in your life is a rare gift. Cherish it!

Self-Accountability

Self-accountability means identifying what you can influence and taking responsibility for that part. It can involve changing a habit, repairing harm, asking for help, or accepting a limit. The useful question is what you can do next, rather than whether every part of the setback was your fault.

Habitual blame can make it difficult for colleagues to solve problems together. If you pay attention to chronic victims, you’ll notice how fragile they are—how dependent their attitudes and feelings are on things they don’t control. When things go their way, they’re happy; when things don’t, they’re defensive, passive-aggressive, and occasionally aggressive-aggressive. If their spouse is in a bad mood, they’re in a bad mood too. If they hit traffic on the way to work, they bring their anger and frustration to work with them. If a project they’re leading isn’t on track, they blame someone on their team.