Wanting What Matters
Parrish distinguishes getting what you want from deciding what is worth wanting. He asks readers to examine whether their goals reflect their own values or the pull of social expectations, habit, emotion and ego.
THE IDEA
WANTING WHAT MATTERS
Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now take what's left and live it properly.
—MARCUS AURELIUS, Meditations, Book 7
GOOD DECISION-MAKING COMES down to two things:
- Knowing how to get what you want
- Knowing what's worth wanting
The first point is about making effective decisions. The second is about making good ones. You might think they're the same, but they are not.
Decisions that bring immediate results, like closing a sale or filling a vacancy, may be effective, but they don't necessarily lead to the things that truly matter in life, like trust, love, and health. Good decisions, on the other hand, align with your long-term goals and values, and ultimately bring you the satisfaction and fulfillment that you truly desire in business, relationships, and life.
Effective decisions get you the first outcome, while good ones get you the ultimate outcome.
All good decisions are effective, but not all effective decisions are good. Making the best judgments comes down to making decisions that get you what you really want—beyond just what you think you want at the moment.
In life, we experience regret over both things we've done and things we've failed to do. The worst regret is when we fail to live a life true to ourselves, when we fail to play by our own scoreboard.
Each default plays a role in setting us up for regret. The social default prompts us to inherit goals from other people, even if their life circumstances are very different from ours. The inertia default encourages us to continue pursuing the goals we've pursued in the past, even after we've come to realize that achieving them doesn't make us happy. The emotion default sends us this way and that, chasing whatever captures our fancy in the moment, even at the expense of pursuing long-term goals that matter more. And the ego default convinces us to pursue things like wealth, status, and power, even at the expense of happiness and well-being—our own and that of the people around us.
If you give any of the defaults command of your life, your ultimate destination is regret. Don't live life by another person's scoreboard. Don't let someone else choose your objectives in life. Take responsibility for where you are and where you are headed.
Real wisdom doesn't come from chasing success but from building character. As Jim Collins wrote, “There is no effectiveness without discipline, and there is no discipline without character.”
When to use it
Career Planning: Choosing a job that aligns with personal meaning over a higher-paying position that feels empty.
Business Strategy: Deciding whether to pursue short-term profits or invest in long-term sustainability and ethical culture.
Personal Finance: Saving for future security and experiences that align with your values versus impulsive spending on fleeting desires.
Relationships: Investing time in deep, long-term friendships and family bonds instead of chasing superficial social media validation.
FROM THEORY TO EVERYDAY LIFE
In practice
The Promotion Dilemma
A manager is offered a promotion with higher pay, 70-hour work weeks and frequent travel. Accepting could advance an income or career goal while reducing family time. The decision requires examining which goals matter most, rather than treating the promotion itself as the measure of success.
Business Pivot vs. Mission
A company founded around sustainable products sees an opportunity to sell a less sustainable product at a quick profit. The founder asks whether the opportunity serves the company’s purpose or merely its short-term growth target. That makes the conflict between objectives explicit before deciding.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
Put it to work.
What are the long-term goals and values that truly matter to you, beyond your immediate wants?
Are your recent decisions aligned with your own internal scoreboard, or are they driven by social, inertia, emotion, or ego defaults?
Think of a decision you made this week. Was it merely effective, or was it genuinely good? How would you approach it differently if you prioritized what truly matters?
Often confused with
References
- Meditations — Marcus Aurelius
- Unknown (quote on effectiveness, discipline, and character) — Jim Collins
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Source texts
- Clear Thinking Turning Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Results (Shane Parrish)