Self-Pity Is Annoying and Counterproductive
Munger argues that dwelling on misfortune can make it harder to respond to a setback. He favors acknowledging what happened and putting effort into competent, graceful coping.
THE IDEA
Self-Pity Is Annoying and Counterproductive
Charlie stared at her in astonishment.
Charlie said, “Self-pity can get pretty close to paranoia, and paranoia is one of the very hardest things to reverse. You do not want to drift into self-pity. I had a friend who carried a big stack of linen-based cards. And when somebody would make a comment that reflected self-pity, he would slowly and portentously put out this huge stack of cards, take the top one and hand it to the person, and the card said, ‘Your story has touched my heart. Never have I heard of anyone with as many misfortunes as you.’ Well you can say that’s wiggery, but I suggest it can be mental hygiene. Every time you find you’re drifting into self-pity, whatever the case—even if your child is dying of cancer, self-pity is not going to help—just give yourself one of my friend’s cards. Self-pity is always counterproductive. It’s the wrong way to think. And when you avoid it, you get a great advantage over everybody else, or almost everybody else, because self-pity is a standard response. And you can train yourself out of it xxix.”
Mr. Brown: “Somebody said that this world does not have a very good reputation for treating its temporary occupants with tender loving care. So, if you want to invoke sympathy (and be a sympathy seeker), you will not lack opportunities. But if we are to cope with our problems, we need sympathy and more determination. Well, this is so hard. You seem to be an emotional control freak; you are able to control all your thoughts and actions Charlie. I have been in business during the recession times. It could not be worse, all of this pressure. What do you think of it, Charlie?”
Charlie: “As for the recession, I think you should all just say ‘So what?’ There are good times and bad times. And we know from the example of other people that if you constantly stand well by your generation and cope with competency and grace with whatever life deals you and keep doing it, your share of the honors and emoluments of the civilization in due time are very likely to come.”
“Well, all right,” Mr. Brown said, “but if you are such an expert on psychology and morals, how could we deal with a crazy situation—with crazy people who want to break you, break your personality with all the methods existing?”
When to use it
Dealing with a personal health crisis or illness of a loved one.
Navigating a business downturn or recession.
Facing unfair treatment or interpersonal conflict.
Coping with chronic stress or repeated failures.
FROM THEORY TO EVERYDAY LIFE
In practice
The Card Trick for Self-Pity
Munger describes a friend who handed out mock-sympathy cards in response to self-pity. He uses the anecdote as a prompt to notice when dwelling on misfortune is displacing useful action.
Recession Response
When facing economic hardship or business pressure, instead of wallowing in self-pity, one can simply say 'So what?' and focus on coping with competency and grace.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
Put it to work.
When have you recently indulged in self-pity? What could you have done differently?
How can you train yourself to recognize and stop self-pity before it spirals?
What would be a more productive response to a major setback than self-pity?
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Source texts
- The Art of Being Rational Charlie Munger