Make an Agenda—Follow It!
A technique for difficult conversations that involves preparing concrete examples, anticipating objections, and sticking to a structured agenda to keep the discussion on track and avoid diversion.
THE IDEA
Make an Agenda—Follow It!
The first thing I had to do was prepare myself. Just sitting down with Janne and speaking from the heart about the issue wasn’t going to work. He would just take over the conversation and lure me off the track. So I decided to give a few concrete examples. I also wrote down exactly what effects his behavior might have on people. And I tried to anticipate all his objections.
On one occasion, Janne was helping me in my garden and afterwards we were sitting in the yard, sweaty and exhausted, each of us with a beer in hand. He had just told me about a trip he took to Spain and how frightened he was when the boat that was taking them to the tiny island where they were staying almost capsized. (His wife had already told me that they hadn’t even gone by boat. They had taken a small local plane.) But when he stopped for breath, I seized the opportunity.
“Janne,” I said. “We need to talk about a serious problem. You talk too much. And you make things up. I know that what you just said isn’t true because I spoke to Lena and she said that you flew to the island. This has to stop or you’re going to end up on bad terms with people.”
Janne stared at me as if I had lost my mind. “I don’t talk too much,” he said, a little bit surprised. “And even if I did, it would be because I have lots to say. I actually remember a time when I—” I put up a hand in front of his face and moved it quickly back and forth. It silenced him. I went straight on to the next step.
When to use it
Performance review where an employee needs to hear constructive criticism about chronic issues.
Discussing a sensitive personal matter with a friend or family member who tends to dominate conversations or deflect.
Negotiating a contract where the other party uses diversion tactics to avoid core issues.
Team meeting where a colleague repeatedly interrupts or goes off-topic, requiring a structured intervention.
FROM THEORY TO EVERYDAY LIFE
In practice
Confronting Janne about his exaggerations
The narrator prepared concrete examples of Janne's behavior and its effects, wrote down anticipated objections, and used a structured approach during a relaxed moment after gardening. When Janne tried to divert the conversation, the narrator used a physical gesture to regain control and stay on agenda.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
Put it to work.
What concrete examples would you prepare before a difficult conversation, and how would you anticipate the other person's objections?
How can you keep a conversation on track when the other person attempts to divert it to unrelated topics?
In what situations might it be more effective to script key points rather than speak spontaneously?
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Source texts
- Surrounded By Idiots (Thomas Erikson)