Liking and Social Acceptance

Liking and Social Acceptance

The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. – William James

"john likes his colleague, Ted, because they share the same values and prefer the same type of suits."

We want to be liked and accepted. We believe, trust and agree with people we know and like. We do things for people we like. We like the people who like us (because we like to be liked.) And if we feel that a person likes us, we tend to like them back.

What can people do to make us like them? We tend to like our kin and romantic partners and people who are similar to us in background, opinion, lifestyle, interest, attitude, looks, values, and belief. Also, those who are physically attractive, popular, cooperative, or people we have positive associations with. We also like and trust anything familiar.

Aristotle said: "Personal beauty is a greater recommendation than any letter of introduction." Studies show that we believe that physically attractive people have a more desirable personality than average-looking or unattractive people. Experiments show that attractive criminals are seen as less aggressive and get a milder punishment than ugly criminals. But like the 6th Century Greek writer Aesop wrote, "Appearances often are deceiving."

"I am a sucker for flattery."

We like people who compliment us - true or not - and make us feel special. To quote the British Prime Minister and novelist Benjamin Disraeli: "Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours." We also like the people who give us what we are missing in life.

"To get them to do business with me, I associate myself with powerful friends and disassociate myself from losers. I also try to get introduced by someone of established credibility."

People believe we have the same personality as those we associate with. Credibility leads to trust.

"We have a common enemy. By cooperating we both gain."

We like people who cooperate with us. How do we get people to cooperate? Create an external common threat or an opportunity for mutual gain.

"I believe she likes me, so I like her too."

We reciprocate the way others see us. If we perceive others dislike us, we tend to dislike them.

"I won the respect and friendship of my opponent by asking him to do me a favor." Asking a favor of someone is likely to increase that person's liking for us. Why? Because people want to be seen as consistent with their behavior. Benjamin Franklin tells us about an old maxim: "He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged."

"Since I want to be accepted, I always focus on the way I appear to others."

We want to be socially accepted and not disliked or rejected. We have a strong desire for avoiding social disapproval, exclusion, humiliation, public shame and losing status. This contributes to conformity. William James says: "A man's Social Self is the recognition which he gets from his mates... No more fiendish punishment could be devised... than that one should be turned loose in society and remain absolutely unnoticed by all the members thereof."

The French 17th Century writer Francois Due de la Rochefoucauld wrote: "We only confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no big ones." We adapt what we say and do to suit our audience and create a desired impression. We behave like others do and don't speak the truth or openly question people for fear of the consequences. We don't want to be the person who stands out. This is one reason why people who are overly concerned about what others think about them prefer to be around like-minded people. It's more comfortable than standing out and risking social disapproval.

"I don't like him because he is egoistic, defensive, always complains and has a bad temper."

We don't learn from people we don't like and we don't want to be associated with them. The people we don't like are the ones we perceive as dissimilar to us, people we are in competition with, those we perceive as threatening, or people that are self-absorbed, complaining, greedy, etc. We tend to dislike people who have been dehumanized - for example, people who have been described as evil or animals.

Keep in mind

• Concentrate on the issue and what you want to achieve.

• Don't depend on the encouragement or criticism of others. Marcus Aurelius Antoninus said: "How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks."

• Don't automatically mistake people's appearance for reality. It may be a social mask.

• Social approval is an effective way to make people behave correctly. Why do people avoid certain actions? Because they are afraid of the social punishment these actions may cause.

• Benjamin Franklin wrote: "Love your enemies, for they tell you your faults."

Francois Due de la Rochefoucauld adds: "Our enemies' opinion of us comes closer to the truth than our own."