It’s Been Going On for a While
Erikson argues that people often judge unfamiliar behavior without understanding the preferences behind it. His advice is to notice how others perceive you and adapt your communication while remaining responsible for your actions.
THE IDEA
It’s Been Going On for a While
“We see what we do, but we do not see why we do what we do. Thus, we assess and appraise each other through what we see that we do.”
These words come from the psychoanalyst Carl Jung. Different behavior patterns are what creates dynamism in our lives. When I refer to behavior patterns, I don’t just mean how a person acts in a single instance (his actions) but rather the whole set of attitudes, beliefs, and approaches that govern how a person acts. We can recognize ourselves in certain behavior patterns, but other forms of behavior we neither recognize nor understand. Besides, each of us acts differently in different situations, which can be a source of either joy or irritation for those around us.
Though individual actions can, of course, be right or wrong, there is really no pattern of behavior that is right or wrong. There is no such thing as proper behavior or incorrect behavior. You are who you are, and there’s no point in wondering why. You’re fine no matter how you’re wired. No matter how you choose to behave, no matter how you are perceived, you are fine. Within reasonable limits, of course.
In a perfect world, it would be easy just to say, “I’m a particular kind of person and it’s okay because I read it in a book. That’s just how I am and this is how I act.” Sure, wouldn’t it be great not to have to mishandle your own behavior? To always be able to act and behave precisely as you feel at the time? You can do that. You can behave exactly as you wish. All you have to do is find the right situation in which to do so.
There are two situations in which you can just be you:
The first situation is when you’re alone in a room. Then it doesn’t matter how you speak or what you do. It doesn’t hurt anyone if you scream and swear or if you just want to sit silently and ponder the great mysteries of life or wonder why fashion models always look so mad. In your solitude, you can behave exactly the way you feel. Simple, isn’t it?
The second situation where you can completely be yourself is when all the other people in the room are exactly like you. What did our mothers teach us? Treat others as you want to be treated. Excellent advice and very well intentioned. And it works, too—as long as everyone is just like you. All you need to do is make a list of all the people you know who believe, think, and act exactly like you in all situations. Now just give them a call and start hanging out.
In any other situation, it might be a good idea to understand how you are perceived and to learn how other people function. I don’t think I will make headlines by saying that most people you meet aren’t like you.
Words can have incredible power, but the words we choose and how we use them vary. As you have seen from the title of this book, there are different interpretations of—yes, you got it—words. And when you use the wrong word, well, maybe then you’re an idiot.
When to use it
Leading a team: agree on results and constraints while allowing different ways to organize the work.
In a conflict, ask what the other person intended, explain how their behavior affected you and discuss what should change.
In cross-cultural interactions, ask about unfamiliar expectations before interpreting behavior solely through your own norms.
Parenting: Accept that your child may have a completely different temperament and way of expressing themselves, and guide them without trying to force them into your own pattern.
FROM THEORY TO EVERYDAY LIFE
In practice
Managerial Expectations
A manager expects all employees to work the same way she does—early mornings, structured lists, and quick responses. When a team member prefers late nights, brainstorming, and deep focus, she dismisses their style as 'lazy' or 'unprofessional,' not realizing that both patterns can be equally productive.
Misunderstood Humor
Sarah tells a sarcastic joke and one person looks offended. Instead of assuming that the person has no sense of humor, she asks what bothered them. Different expectations about sarcasm may explain the reaction, while its effect still matters.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
Put it to work.
Think of a recent situation where you judged someone's behavior as wrong. What assumptions did you make about their reasons? How might their behavior pattern be valid in their own context?
When have you tried to 'be yourself' in a group that didn't share your patterns? What happened, and what could you have done differently?
How can you adapt the Golden Rule ('treat others as you want to be treated') to account for different behavior patterns?
Often confused with
References
- Unknown (Quote) — Carl Jung
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Source texts
- Surrounded By Idiots (Thomas Erikson)