Green's Response: Total Appeasement
Erikson describes a response to criticism in which self-blame and compensating gestures leave the requested behavior unchanged. His example distinguishes an apology from following through on the specific issue.
THE IDEA
Deal with the Green’s Response “You’re Right—I’m So Stupid!”
Total appeasement. A Green’s reaction when you tell him how you feel about his behavior is a variation on the Yellow’s martyr complex. A Green will prostrate himself, accusing himself of being all kinds of stupid things. Often there will be comments like “I will never do that again.” Severe compliancy is sometimes unavoidable, and tears may flow. Greens crush themselves with additional arguments about why they’re useless and stupid. They’ll kneel in your presence for weeks afterwards and try to placate you in all kinds of ways that have nothing to do with the issue at hand.
I heard a story about a man who was told by his wife that she really hated that every single evening he simply had to spend a certain amount of time playing video games (a creature of habit). He admitted that it was childish, unnecessary, and costly. (He spent a considerable amount of money buying upgrades and features for the games.) He promised to be more attentive to her needs. He promised everything and more besides to make up for his dismal behavior. The following six months, he hurried home from work to do the cooking before she arrived. He bought her flowers once a week, and he massaged her feet without her even having to ask.
Very sweet and very appreciated—except that he didn’t actually do what she asked him to, namely, to stop playing computer games. He had avoided accepting that particular detail. After all, he had never promised to stop straightaway.
When to use it
When a colleague repeatedly admits fault for missed deadlines but continues to miss them, using excessive apologies to deflect from accountability.
In romantic relationships, where one partner uses self-criticism and grand gestures to avoid discussing a specific recurring issue, like household chores or communication habits.
In a counseling conversation, examining whether apologies lead to agreed changes or leave the recurring issue untouched.
During performance reviews, when an employee responds to constructive criticism with extreme self-blame but fails to implement suggested improvements.
FROM THEORY TO EVERYDAY LIFE
In practice
The Video Gamer's Empty Apology
A man criticized by his wife for excessive video gaming responds by admitting his behavior is childish and costly, and he makes grand promises to change. Over the next six months, he performs acts of service—cooking, buying flowers, foot massages—but never actually reduces his gaming time. The appeasement diverts attention from the core issue.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
Put it to work.
How can you distinguish between a genuine apology that leads to behavior change and an appeasement strategy that avoids the real issue?
What internal fears might drive someone to over-apologize and self-deprecate instead of directly addressing feedback?
How could you bring an apologetic conversation back to the specific change requested and agree on a way to follow up?
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Source texts
- Surrounded By Idiots (Thomas Erikson)