Brief But Important Life Maxims
Three practical heuristics for harmonious relationships: avoid knowing information that would make you unhappy, focus on people's strengths rather than shortcomings, and practice asynchronous reciprocity by doing favors when the benefit exceeds the cost, expecting possible future reciprocation.
THE IDEA
BRIEF BUT IMPORTANT LIFE MAXIMS
There are some things you just don’t want to know
Richard once told me a story about viewing a new piece of furniture arriving in his home fairly early in his marriage. Richard asked Sally, “How much did this cost?” Sally replied, “You don’t want to know.” Richard realized that in fact he did not want to know and inquired no further. He and Sally have used this maxim of avoiding knowing what would make you unhappy plenty of times. He gives it some credit for their virtually battle-free marriage. That someone as analytical and rational as Richard, a man who always seems to be seeking information, would take this purposefully not-know approach was baffling to me. Over time, I have come to realize how wise this maxim is, and my wife and I have used it many times with each other and our children, with great positive effects for our family life.
If you focus on people’s shortcomings, you’ll always be disappointed
Tarek Masoud, a faculty colleague of Richard’s specializing in Middle East politics, came up with this maxim that he never directly heard from Richard but that he believes Richard lives by. “Richard is one of the most generous, nonjudgmental people I have ever encountered. For instance, I am chronically late. I have been late to our lunches, to basketball games, and even to a party he once threw in my honor, and he has never once done anything more than gently chide me for it.”
Practice asynchronous reciprocity
William Samuelson, who coauthored several papers with Richard, is a professor at Boston University. He speaks about a principle that might reflect an analytical bent behind Richard’s generosity: “Many years ago, Richard and I were talking about doing favors in the context of cost-benefit analysis. To my recollection, Richard felt very strongly that one should never hesitate to do things for others (even unasked-for things) if you estimated that the discernible benefit to the other was likely to be greater than one’s own cost of the favor. Sometime in the future, the net-beneficial favor might or might not be reciprocated, or the recipient would undertake his own net beneficial favor for someone else. Creating chains of favors was all to the general good. I have always liked this notion of asynchronous reciprocity (my term) because it is satisfyingly rational and not just sentimental or schmaltzy (“paying it forward”). We should all aim to practice it.”
When to use it
In family life, avoiding unnecessary conflicts by not inquiring about minor expenses.
In teamwork, emphasizing team members' positive contributions rather than their occasional mistakes.
In community service, performing acts of kindness without expecting direct reciprocation, trusting that it will foster a culture of generosity.
In negotiations, focusing on mutual benefits rather than counterpart's shortcomings.
FROM THEORY TO EVERYDAY LIFE
In practice
Furniture Purchase Avoidance
Richard asked his wife Sally how much a new piece of furniture cost. She replied, “You don’t want to know.” Richard realized he did not want to know and did not ask further, crediting this maxim for their virtually battle-free marriage.
Focus on Strengths Despite Lateness
Tarek Masoud, a colleague of Richard, is chronically late to lunches, basketball games, and even a party thrown in his honor. Richard never harshly judges him, only gently chides, illustrating the maxim of not focusing on people's shortcomings.
Asynchronous Reciprocity in Favors
William Samuelson recounts Richard’s principle: do favors when the benefit to others exceeds your cost, even if unasked, expecting possible future reciprocation or that the recipient will do a favor for someone else, creating chains of net beneficial acts.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
Put it to work.
Think of a situation where you insisted on knowing something that later caused you unhappiness. Could the 'you don't want to know' maxim have been applied?
When dealing with others, do you tend to focus on their strengths or weaknesses? How might shifting your attention improve relationships?
How can you apply asynchronous reciprocity in your professional life by doing a small favor for a colleague without expecting an immediate return?
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Source texts
- Maxims for Thinking Analytically The wisdom of legendary Harvard Professor Richard Zeckhauser (Dan Levy)