Be Prepared for War
Erikson recommends staying calm when feedback provokes an angry response. Give the person room to settle, state boundaries if needed, and decide whether the conversation can continue productively; calmness does not guarantee that an outburst will end or behavior will change.
THE IDEA
The Principle
Erikson recommends a calm response to the aggression he associates with his Red profile. Reacting in kind can escalate a dispute. Pausing and speaking evenly may help keep the discussion focused, but a personality label does not predict how someone will respond.
Application
If feedback prompts hostility, pause before replying. Once the person is ready to discuss the issue, return to the specific behavior and its effects. You can acknowledge their frustration without accepting accusations or threats. If the hostility continues, set a boundary or stop the conversation and arrange a better setting. Waiting silently is an option, not an obligation to endure abuse.
When to use it
Giving constructive feedback to a defensive or aggressive employee
Handling a customer complaint where the customer is irate and blaming you
Negotiating with a counterpart who uses aggressive tactics to dominate
Parenting a child who is in a tantrum: staying calm and not giving in to the outburst
FROM THEORY TO EVERYDAY LIFE
In practice
Feedback Session with a Sales Director
Erikson recounts a sales director responding angrily to feedback about how his team perceived him. The director challenged Erikson’s competence and threatened not to hire him again. Erikson says he waited, then continued with the feedback, and that the director gradually recognized his behavior’s effects. This is the author’s account of a particular exchange.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
Put it to work.
When have you received aggressive pushback? What response helped, and when would a pause or a boundary have been more useful?
What are the triggers that make you want to engage emotionally in a conflict? How can you prepare yourself to remain non-reactive?
How can this approach of non-engagement be applied in other areas, like negotiations or family disputes?
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Source texts
- Surrounded By Idiots (Thomas Erikson)