Be Gentle, but Don’t Backpedal
Erikson recommends delivering feedback gently while keeping the concern clear. His advice is to avoid retracting the substance of a message merely because the other person is upset.
THE IDEA
Be Gentle, but Don’t Backpedal
It is all about clarity again. If you have any shred of humanity, you’ll see how a Green falls apart the more you give him negative criticism. If you say to your partner that his constant habit of sitting in front of the television watching sports such as football makes you feel completely neglected and unloved, you’ll immediately see how much this news affects him. But then it’s important that you not backtrack on your statement and say things like “Maybe it’s not that bad,” or “I still have some projects I’ve been wanting to work on while you relax.” Dare to be clear, and go straight to the point.
You need to convey your message in the right way. Clearly but softly. A hand on someone’s shoulder can be enough to send a signal that “we’re still friends, but I have a problem when you do this or that.”
When to use it
A manager giving constructive criticism to an employee who is highly sensitive to feedback.
A parent addressing a child's behavior without minimizing the issue or withdrawing the critique.
Telling a friend that an action hurt you while expressing care for the relationship.
Providing performance feedback in a team setting where one member is known to be emotionally reactive.
FROM THEORY TO EVERYDAY LIFE
In practice
Giving feedback to a Green partner about watching sports
Telling your partner that his constant habit of watching sports makes you feel neglected and unloved, then resisting the urge to soften the message by saying 'Maybe it’s not that bad' or 'I still have projects to work on.' Instead, maintain clarity and gentleness without backtracking.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
Put it to work.
Think of a time you gave critical feedback to a sensitive person. Did you backtrack or soften your words? How might you have communicated more clearly while still being kind?
How can you balance gentleness with directness in a situation where the other person is likely to feel hurt?
What non-verbal cues (like a hand on the shoulder) can reinforce that you care while delivering a difficult message?
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Source texts
- Surrounded By Idiots (Thomas Erikson)