Ask the Person to Repeat What You Said
Erikson recommends asking a person to restate agreed actions after difficult feedback. This checks what they understood and provides a chance to resolve disagreements; repetition alone does not establish commitment.
THE IDEA
Ask the Person to Repeat What You Said
Seen from the outside, this whole incident probably looks like a violent quarrel, but I knew that I could make real progress if I didn’t let up. So I did what I recommend everyone trying to give negative feedback to a Red should do—asked the Red to repeat what we’d both just agreed on.
So this sales director had to obediently explain how he would act in the future, point by point, in certain specific situations. (I had a mandate from the CEO to do this, and we both knew it.) And yet even though intellectually he knew that I was right, he couldn’t give in. He crossed out one of the less important items on the list, clearly showing that it was a victory for him. Somehow, he still had to win.
Conclusion: Prepare yourself extremely well and try not to give negative feedback to a Red if you are not feeling strong that day. You need to be full of self-confidence, so choose your opportunity carefully. A Red is always strong, always full of self-confidence, so for him it doesn’t matter. He will ride into battle at a moment’s notice, if necessary. And, prepare yourself for the possibility that he might try to turn the tables. He’ll accuse you of everything under the sun so that he can feel he has the upper hand.
Don’t fall into his trap.
When to use it
A manager needs to address a performance issue with a strong-willed employee who often dominates conversations.
During a negotiation, ask each party to restate the key terms and resolve differences in understanding.
A parent wants to set a boundary with a stubborn child and asks them to repeat the rule to reinforce it.
After giving feedback to a colleague, check how they understood the concern and the agreed next steps.
FROM THEORY TO EVERYDAY LIFE
In practice
Giving feedback to a Red sales director
A sales director with a 'Red' personality type was confronted about his behavior. The feedback giver, having a mandate from the CEO, asked the director to repeat the agreed-upon action points. Although the director complied and explained how he would act in the future, he crossed out a less important item. Erikson interprets this as an effort to retain a sense of victory.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
Put it to work.
In a recent difficult conversation, how could asking the other person to repeat what was agreed have changed the outcome?
What strategies can you use to prepare yourself emotionally before giving negative feedback to a dominant personality?
How do you recognize when someone is trying to 'turn the tables' during a feedback session, and how do you stay on track?
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Source texts
- Surrounded By Idiots (Thomas Erikson)