Ask the Person to Repeat What You Have Agreed On—and Follow Up!
A communication heuristic that emphasizes verifying mutual understanding and following up on agreements, especially useful when interacting with individuals who tend to be vague or avoid direct confrontation.
THE IDEA
Ask the Person to Repeat What You Have Agreed On—and Follow Up!
I've noticed that Greens don't always write down what you say to them, so it's a good idea to check with them to make sure you've both interpreted the conversation the same way. If you have a colleague and would like him to be a bit more punctual, make sure he understands that the only issue is his timekeeping. He may very well have gotten the idea that you were actually upset about something else entirely.
We often assume others will behave the same way we would in any given situation. And because Greens can be quite vague when they speak to others and often avoid talking about the real problem, they frequently get the idea that you're really talking about something else. They never go straight to the point themselves, so they assume you haven't, either. So what could you possibly be so unhappy about?
Make sure you're both in agreement about what the problem is. And follow up. We're talking about changing something and creating a new pattern of behavior. And, as usual, Greens will try to solve the problem by doing … nothing.
Make sure that doesn't happen!
Conclusion: If you're human, which I think you are, you may have a guilty conscience and think that you went at the Green guy way too hard. I remember one occasion when I argued with an employee because, in my opinion, she didn't do what she was supposed to. Her reaction was to completely fall apart, and she didn't come to work for two days. When we spoke about it afterwards, it turned out that I hadn't actually asked her to do those specific tasks. I'd just assumed that she looked at things the way I did.
I can admit that at the time I was an inexperienced and ineffective boss. I made a classic mistake—I looked at the situation through my own glasses and became furious when her glasses showed something else. And when I realized this later on, I felt quite ashamed of myself. She looked so distressed and went out of her way to avoid meeting me. For a long time I barely dared to say much more than hello and good-bye to her. She did what Greens are good at: She ducked down and did even less work than usual.
Many Greens have an uncanny sixth sense that tells them when it's time to take things extra easy. But here it derailed. This woman did virtually nothing at all because she could sense my guilt and hesitation. She simply took advantage of my bad conscience to get away with it. I lost her completely. In the end, she was laid off because she didn't do her job and I was severely criticized by my boss because I hadn't dealt with the issue.
Make sure that you don't make the same mistake I did. Don't let things go too far. Address the problem while there's still time. So stand up and deliver the negative feedback—even to the friendly Greens in your life.
When to use it
Delegating tasks to a team member who tends to be vague or avoidant
Giving constructive feedback to someone who may misinterpret your intentions
Confirming next steps after a meeting to ensure all parties are aligned
Managing a direct report who tends to disengage or avoid responsibility
FROM THEORY TO EVERYDAY LIFE
In practice
Misunderstanding with an Employee
The author argued with an employee about tasks she didn't complete. Upon follow-up, he realized he had never explicitly asked her to do those tasks; he assumed she would understand his expectations. This led to a breakdown in trust and ultimately her termination.
Punctuality Feedback
If you want a colleague to be more punctual, ensure they understand that punctuality is the only issue, not some other unspoken concern. Use the heuristic to confirm your message was received as intended.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
Put it to work.
Think of a recent conversation where you assumed the other person understood your point. How could you have used this heuristic to avoid misunderstanding?
When was a time you avoided giving direct feedback because you felt guilty? What was the long-term outcome?
How do you typically follow up on agreements? What could you improve to ensure accountability?
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Source texts
- Surrounded By Idiots (Thomas Erikson)