Advice vs. Personal Decision Making (Clarity of Advising Others)
Advising a friend can make it easier to focus on a decision’s main tradeoffs and put immediate embarrassment or social pressure in perspective. Asking what you would recommend to someone else can provide useful distance from your own choice.
THE IDEA
Which job would you choose?
In a job-choice exercise contrasting prestige with longer-term satisfaction, students were asked to choose for themselves. Of those students, 66% chose Job B. Later, however, when those same students were asked to advise their best friends about which job to take, 83% recommended Job B. Somehow the choice was clearer when students thought about their best friends than when they thought about themselves. Distance yielded clarity.
Psychologists have come to understand why this happens. In essence, when we’re giving advice, we find it easier to focus on the most important factors. So when we are advising a friend, we think, Job B is going to make her happier and more satisfied over the long term. It seems relatively simple. But when we think about ourselves, we let complexity intrude. Wait, wouldn’t it disappoint Dad if I gave up the prestige of Job A? Could I really live with myself if that moron Brian Moloney ended up making more money than me?
The researchers have found, in essence, that our advice to others tends to hinge on the single most important factor, while our own thinking flits among many variables. When we think of our friends, we see the forest. When we think of ourselves, we get stuck in the trees.
There’s another advantage of the advice we give others. We tend to be wise about counseling people to overlook short-term emotions. For instance, consider a male undergraduate who is facing a dilemma like this one:
You are thinking of calling a girl from your psychology class whom you like, but you’ve only talked with her once. You’re afraid that she won’t remember who you are when you call.
When to use it
When making a major life decision (career, relationship, relocation), ask yourself: 'What would I tell my best friend to do?'
In a leadership role, when team members are stuck on a problem, encourage them to adopt the perspective of a neutral advisor to gain clarity.
When evaluating competing job offers, list the pros and cons as if you are advising someone else, then assess which factors truly matter most.
During a negotiation, mentally step back and consider the situation from the other party's perspective or from an objective advisor's viewpoint to avoid emotional bias.
FROM THEORY TO EVERYDAY LIFE
In practice
Job Selection Dilemma
Students considered Job A, associated with prestige, and Job B, associated with longer-term satisfaction. When choosing for themselves, 66% chose Job B; when advising a best friend, 83% recommended it. The account uses the difference to illustrate how perspective can change which considerations receive attention.
Calling a Classmate
A male undergraduate wants to call a girl from his psychology class but fears she won't remember him. If he were advising a friend, he'd likely encourage them to take the risk, recognizing that short-term embarrassment is less important than the opportunity to connect.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
Put it to work.
Think of a difficult decision you are currently facing. What advice would you give a close friend who had the exact same dilemma? How does that differ from what you are currently considering?
Recall a time when you gave someone advice that turned out to be wise. Why was it easier to see the best path for them than for yourself?
Identify a situation where you might be overcomplicating a decision by focusing on minor details. How would an outsider (or your future self) simplify it?
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Source texts
- Decisive How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work (Chip Heath)